贾舟子

 中国又在“警告”了，说自己已经准备好跟美国打“任何类型”的战争。

川大大一甩手，把中国货全给盖上新关税，中国这边立马“奋起反击”，对美国大豆花生啥的加个10%到15%的税，颇有“你打我一拳，我就挠你一下”的英雄气概。

中国驻美大使馆在X上豪情万丈地发帖：“如果美国非要找茬，关税战、贸易战还是别的什么战，我们奉陪到底！”还顺手转了政府声明里那句特有面子的话。这话说得铿锵有力，差点让人以为他们真要抄家伙上战场了。可惜啊，转头一看，这不过是川普上台以来，中国喊得最响的一次嗓子罢了。毕竟，这时候北京正忙着开一年一度的人大，领导们齐聚一堂，互相鼓掌，气氛热烈得像过年发红包。

李强总理3月5号站出来宣布，今年国防开支再涨7.2%，不多不少，跟去年一样，准得像超市打折算账。他还顺带念了句台词：“百年未有之大变局正以更快的速度展开。”这话听着挺玄乎，跟算命先生忽悠人似的，意思大概是“世界乱了，咱们得多个心眼”。与此同时，北京街头的大屏幕还在循环播放：我们有信心，我们经济稳得很，哪怕贸易战打到家门口，咱也能吃饱喝足接着斗地主。

中国一直忙着给自己刷“和平大国”的标签，跟美国那“到处点火”的形象比起来，简直是道德高地上的灯塔。北京指责美国在中东、乌克兰到处撒野，自己呢，则是“稳定压倒一切”的代言人。可惜，川普对加拿大、墨西哥这些盟友也下了狠手，人家也被关税砸得晕头转向，中国这时候要是喊得太凶，怕是连新朋友都吓跑了。于是李强又赶紧补一句：“我们继续扩大开放，欢迎外资来玩儿！”这话说得跟菜市场揽客似的，热情得让人怀疑是不是又要搞什么“招商引资大跃进”。

中国喊“备战”也不是头一回了。去年10月，习近平在台湾附近搞了个军演，喊着“加强战备”，那阵仗像是真要干一票大的。可惜，喊口号跟真动手，中间隔着好几条长城呢。这次大使馆在X上放狠话，还不忘翻出外交部前一天的声明，义正辞严地说：“芬太尼问题怪我们？笑话，那是美国找茬的借口罢了！”外交部发言人更是摆出一副“泰山压顶不弯腰”的架势：“恐吓吓不倒我们，霸凌也没用，跟中国玩硬的？门都没有！”这话听着挺硬气，就是不知道键盘侠们打完字后，是不是还得回去加班搬砖。

美中关系这出大戏，永远是全球头条的保留节目。X上这贴子转发量爆棚，估计川普那帮鹰派看了又得拍桌子：“瞧瞧，北京果然是咱们最大的威胁！”可笑的是，川普刚邀请习近平去看他上台耍宝，还吹嘘两人通了个“很棒的电话”，结果上个月约好的第二通电话，又黄了。看来这“友好开端”，也就是嘴上说说，实际还得接着斗。

习近平这边忙着应付消费低迷、楼市崩盘、年轻人躺平，忙得跟热锅上的蚂蚁似的。为了救经济，又是撒钱又是开会，数千名人大代表齐刷刷点头，像极了自动点赞机。军费倒是没含糊，2450亿美元，世界第二，可跟美国的数字一比，照样是“小弟”级别。专家说了，这数字还可能是“低报”的，毕竟谦虚是我们民族的美德嘛。

China’s at it again, “warning” the world it’s ready to fight the U.S. in “any type” of war. Wow, what a flex—like the village loudmouth waving a shovel, yelling, “Who dares mess with me?”—only to turn around and scramble to clean up the mess from Trump’s latest tariff tantrum. The Donald slaps fresh duties on all Chinese imports, and China “strikes back” with a heroic 10% to 15% tax on American soybeans and peanuts. It’s the kind of retaliation that screams, “You punch me, I’ll tickle you back!”

The Chinese embassy in the U.S. took to X with chest-thumping bravado: “If war’s what America wants—tariff war, trade war, or any other kind—we’re ready to fight to the bitter end!” They even retweeted a line from the government’s Tuesday statement for extra swagger. It’s one of the loudest barks China’s let out since Trump took office—almost enough to make you think they’re about to grab pitchforks. But nah, it’s just that time of year when Beijing’s bigwigs gather for the National People’s Congress, clapping for each other like it’s a New Year’s bonus party.

Premier Li Qiang stepped up on Wednesday, March 5, announcing a 7.2% bump in defense spending—same as last year, precise as a discount store receipt. He tossed in a dramatic line: “A once-in-a-century upheaval is unfolding across the world at breakneck speed.” Sounds profound, like a fortune teller spooking the crowd—basically, “Things are messy out there, so keep your eyes peeled.” Meanwhile, Beijing’s propaganda screens are on loop: “We’ve got confidence! Our economy’s rock-solid!”—even if a trade war’s knocking at the door, they’ll still have rice in their bowls and cards on the table.

China’s obsessed with painting itself as the “peaceful nation,” a shining contrast to America, the global arsonist. Beijing loves pointing fingers at the U.S. for stirring up trouble in the Middle East and Ukraine, while they play the “stability above all” card. But here’s the catch: Trump’s also hammering allies like Canada and Mexico with tariffs, leaving them dazed. If China yells too loud, they might scare off potential new buddies. So Li Qiang quickly pivots: “We’re opening wider! Come invest with us!” It’s the kind of pitch you’d hear at a flea market, so eager you’d think they’re about to launch a “Great Leap Forward in Foreign Investment.”

China’s no stranger to shouting “war-ready.” Last October, Xi Jinping flexed with military drills near Taiwan, barking about “battle readiness”—a show so grand you’d think they were about to storm something. Too bad there’s a Great Wall-sized gap between flexing and fighting. This time, the embassy’s X post dug up a Foreign Ministry statement from the day before, indignantly claiming, “Blaming us for fentanyl? That’s just America’s lame excuse to jack up tariffs!” The ministry spokesman struck a defiant pose: “Scare tactics won’t faze us. Bullying? Useless. Pressure, coercion, threats? Wrong way to deal with China!” Bold words—wonder if they typed that while clocking overtime at the factory.

The U.S.-China saga’s still the juiciest soap opera on the planet. That X post’s gone viral, and Trump’s hawkish crew probably can’t wait to wave it around, yelling, “See? Beijing’s our biggest menace!” Funny thing is, Trump just invited Xi to his inauguration circus and bragged about a “great call” they had. Yet last month’s planned follow-up chat? Poof, gone. Guess that “friendly start” is just hot air—they’re back to squabbling.

Xi’s juggling a sluggish economy—consumer spending’s in the gutter, real estate’s a dumpster fire, and the youth are napping on the job. To prop it up, they’re dumping billions into the mess, unveiled with fanfare as thousands of NPC delegates nod like bobbleheads at a rubber-stamp fest. Military budget’s no slouch either—$245 billion, second in the world, though it’s still peanuts next to Uncle Sam’s. Experts say China’s lowballing the real figure—modesty’s a national virtue, after all.